While I was sleeping I had a dream. In it was Grammy and Brenda and William who I never even met and a woolly marmot and Melody and even little Pea and then some people I don’t know. It was like a crowd. We were all down in the sticker bushes and I was in front of them talking and I had to explain why I get the terrible headpains the way I do but I don’t know why I just get them. Everybody could tell that I was making up pretend time stories just because I don’t know the answer. I could see them look at me and then I know it and feel like sore thumb Sam again. Then I hear little Pea yell out drink lots of water. She sounds so funny with her mouth that I had to think to understand but that’s what she said. And then nice kitty Melody said make the sacrifice to Mama Dirt and Papa Sky. And then Grammy told me to go play hopscotch but she calls it hoptoss I don’t know why. And then Brenda says go swimming and sing a song under the water and William said eat more meat which is so funny sounding. The people I don’t know started saying things too telling me to do this or some that and I got confused hearing them all at once. The woolly marmot never said anything. When I woke up I ran down to where the little spring has the good water and I drank so much I was almost throwup. Then I climbed up to the top of Burning Mountain and I told Papa Sky he could have my ear covers and then I told Mama Dirt this was my last Twonkie but I want her to have it. I didn’t ask for nothing back. Then I went down under the bridge and was swimming and singing a song I just made up then. When I was so tired I went back to the sticker bushes and tried to find a nice fat rat to eat but all I found were cinder beetle worms so I got five of them and had a roast. I guess it means that listening to the voices in my head makes a day more fun than a day of crying in a tunnel.
I seen Brenda today again after I came back from running around. She said William was away until dark to talk with somethings I don’t know and Brenda got told to stay in the cave but she didn't. We sat by the sticker bushes and talked and talked. I said where did you live before and she said far away where it snows more. She told me about the things in the far away place and I guess I can’t know how to think of it. Some of it sounds very I don’t know.
I seen this scruffy doggie around sometimes near where I stay. I like doggies but I never know about the biting so I stayed away but it was hard. I watched the doggie today for a while from the far away and I think he is old or scrambled in the head maybe. For the one thing he stands and stares a lot more than any other doggie ever. Only his tail flips a little and nothing else for the long time.
So raining today. All morning rain and then look more rain again. The sky is still thick and funny like it has been for days and I wonder if it is going to change back ever or not now. It’s hard to run around in all the wet and mud so I mostly stayed in the tunnel and guess what looked at rain. Just having to sit and sit made me cross and I was even saying mean things about rain out loud but then I said no Sam don’t be angry at a sky that’s crazy. But I was still stuck in the tunnel so I started to play a game where I was at a fancy glamour party instead and there was dancing with boys and long tables of so good food just there to eat if you felt like it. It was a very fine pretend. After a few very glamour dances the rain got softer and then stopped so I went out on the little bridge and ate just about everything I had hid away for a rainy day. Because it was and the dance made me hungry.
Grammy used to say there comes a change in the weather some times and this is a time I guess. So funny sky for the last few days and thick foggy too. It feels warmer than it should be in the sun but at night the chill is horrible. I like the way the sun looks through the foggy because of the funny colors. It rained some this morning and the drops smelled like burning fish so I don’t know. Maybe stay inside until the weather changes again I guess. Who knows what color my hair could be if I was out in the stinky rain.
People say Sam stay away from the water it will give you chemicals and maybe so but I like to swim and mostly I don’t get sick from it. I seen lots of funny and sad fish in the waters. I found a fancy party dress someone used to have and it was mostly not ripped so when the sun was out today I walked in the water looking so glamour. I bet the fishes said look at that glamour walking in the sun and I wisht we had legs too. I wanted a special place to go in my new dress but I never heard of no glamour party here. Grammy said a girl has to twirl in a skirt sometimes and I think so too. I like to twirl until I feel throwup.
I was out in the dunes place when I seen a funny black box and inside was coal. Everyone I know is talk about coal and now blue hair Sam finds some. I ran and laughed and ran. I found some bits of fabric too and I used them to wrap my coal. I used most of the only other coal I ever found to make my spellings here and tell my stories and I could sure use this new lump to make a lot more pages. But also is that lots and lots of people ask about coal and want it so maybe it could be another sweet plumb for Sam if I trade it somehow. But for now I stay quiet as a mouse or some folks will kill me for what I got.
It is the first time I feel like running without a hat today. I still miss my braids but I guess I can be blue and be ok too. For the one thing when I swim now my hair isn’t so much heavy to carry around. And it is easy to wash and I don’t have to spend time making the braids even though if I had my old hair I would spend the time and make braids and not mind even a little bit. But ok so Sam the blue Twonkie head I guess. It’s not like I need to impress anyone with my glamour or whatever.
I heard there was another Buryhead Buzzard today so I thought I could run down to see about trading some things and eating bacon. Somehow I guess I got stuck in the sand and didn’t even get there until it was the end. I seen Apo who is so nice to Sam and some other people that were new around. Also a dusty man was there who never spoke until everyone else went away. He never said very much but he was talking truth about the mean mess of the world we got. He said Sam folks need to laugh more than they do and I think they do too. He was even nice when I said about my blue hair and was like he didn’t even notice that my head is a ratty mess of dog throwup.
I asked mister do you have a name and he said no I never need one. I never heard of a person without a name before and it felt so funny. I didn’t want to call him hey mister dusty man. So then I said what about Dan for a name because I knew a boy once named Dan who was dusty too but I didn’t say that. The man laughed some and said it was ok to call him Dan if I want. Dan said he got no friends either so no name and no friends for poor Dan. I told him I could be his friend and he said we’ll see. I didn’t know what he means so I said it was time for me to go and I did. I like the way Dan talks.
What kind of animal is even blue. Am I still people if my head looks like messy sky with horns. When will it ever be braids again. I can’t go running like this if I see someone then what. They will ask about the hat and I will want to not say but then I will say ok and tell about trying to become mutant and getting old blue rat fur instead. Then they will laugh and I will run away and cry unless they beat me and throw me in the sand. And just because I’m not glamour like that is anything.
Well now at least I know some hairs are not all dead. I’m still patchy but the patches are longer each day so maybe there will be glamour some time again. Not for now though. Some of the places where hair will grow like above my one eye it come out like little spikes they are so bristle. I hope they don’t grow into horns.
My head looks like a doggie has been chewing on it. For the one thing yes it is blue and that’s enough but then also is that it feels soft and mushy like when a rat gets real old and has patchy fur. Alls I can do is wear a hat so I wear a hat. I don’t know why I just do things like put my head in radiations or jump from the bridge. I guess I get the idea and then I just do it when maybe I need to think more on it before the doing. I was ready to go catch those fish with the inky but then I said no Sam stop for thinking first and I did. Maybe there is a bigger fish with teeth that is the friend of inky fish and maybe teeth fish likes to eat girls with blue hair. Maybe that’s how it means when Grammy would say don’t run willy nilly Sam. I thought it was a boy name but I think now it means when you do stuff without thinking. Or maybe run too fast inside I don’t know.
I miss my braids. I member when I was a brat and Grammy would braid my hair. She said my hair was some of my best glamour and now I guess I’m not so much glamour. I tried to make long hair from some grass but it was itchy and just looked like grass on my head not hair. I found a hat so I can at least stay warm now. If it grows back with the blue color it looks now I guess I need to make it dark somehow. Maybe I can get the inky from one of the critters I seen in the water by the old boat. They spit inky in the water when they get scared and it stained my hands once so maybe hair too. But how to get it from the water I guess I don’t know.
Today I’m all I don’t know. It makes me cross to think of it so I try to not think but then I do anyway. Something feels funny under my ribs like a butterfly but inside. And also I guess I’m jumpy and cross for almost no reasons. I guess the radiations might have done something on my insides but how can I know it. And I don’t know what about blue hair either. I think maybe I need to move sometimes because maybe I can never know about all the things in this place. And then I think some new place will be that way too. I don’t want to be scrambled girl any more. Quiet down in my head so I can think.
I know it was a dumb thing now to do. Just because radiations make someone else mutant don’t mean it will make Sam anything. My headpains were the most today and more purple bloody nose. Tiny hair is growing back in some places but I think it is a funny color. It was hard to know but I think I seen blue color. So blue hair Sam the not mutant I guess.
I got out some old clothes I found so it would make a whole new look and not seem so dumb maybe. But I sort of miss my old look.
I made a high camp to keep away from bugs that are still crawly everywhere. I made some fire and caught two fat rats for breakfast. Also I don’t think I’m mutant. I still got no tail and besides the throwup and balding the radiations didn’t change me any. And my bloody nose was purple for a day but I don't think that is mutant so I don’t know. Maybe it takes more chemicals to make mutant but I don’t think I want to find out now and I been sorry I tried. I wisht my hair would grow back soon. My ears get so cold now.
I feel like so much throwup and it isn’t even radiations this time it’s bugs. Somehow bugs are everywhere today and Sam is cross at bugs. They move so fast and are horrible to see. I wonder if they can smell mutant smell from me or if they just smell bald girl.
I might go spend the day in the water just because I never seen one of the bugs swimming yet. Maybe these are good bugs after you roast them and cover them with honey but right now I wisht they would go away from Sam now. Some tried to bite me. I wonder if I can sleep in water.